A Long Awaited Homecoming

My older cousin is coming home tomorrow and before I was super excited, but now I'm terrified.

I'm really close with my older cousin despite the fact that I don't see her very often. Before, she lived on the other side of the country from me, but we still got to see each other every summer or so.

The last time I saw her was right before her big move to the United States to be with her boyfriend, now husband. Last time I saw her was in April 2014.

I can't say that I completely hate distance because in reality, I have a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact that it's separating me from someone I love, but I do love it because it's the biggest reminder to spend time with someone that I love and don't see often and to cherish the time spent together.

However, the last time I saw her was a little more than a year ago. Is that possibly too long?

Within the past year, I've changed a lot.

I started this blog which I haven't really told anyone in real life about, I got a job, I've started to have random anxiety attacks which can largely vary, I got a bad concussion, I've grown up more not just physically but also mentally, I've lost a family member, I met new people, I gained new friends and so much more.

It struck me this afternoon that I'll be seeing my very loved cousin tomorrow night and meeting her husband for the very first time and that's when my brain went into overdrive.

I started to think these ridiculous thoughts such as "What if I've changed so much that she doesn't like me anymore?" "What if she doesn't want to spend time with me when she's here?" "There's not all that much that I can do that the rest of the family can't, is there?" "I'm not worth her time, am I?" "What if her husband convinces her that I'm awful?" "What if he laughs at me for something that I have no control over and she joins in, and then the rest of the family?"

I almost reduced myself to tears this afternoon in fear that my thoughts could be true. 

I didn't know what to do, so I pushed those thoughts to the side for awhile. It didn't work forever though, because later on they came creeping back up into my mind.

I still didn't know what to do, so I tried to take a logical approach to it.

If I've changed to the point of her not liking me anymore, then that's that. I know that I've changed. Is it for better or for worse? I couldn't tell you, but I can say that I am who I am today. Experiences of the past year have shaped me into who I am today and if my cousin doesn't appreciate that at first, she'll probably get used to it.

I can't be the only one who's changed.

The matter with her husband though, I wasn't too sure what to think at the beginning, but then I realized that he honestly has it worse.

I'm only meeting one person while he's meeting her whole family on a Canada Day barbecue. (Seeing a Canada is Wednesday and I try to post every Sunday and Wednesday, I'll probably have a post explaining how that all went for you guys.)

I'm going to make sure to keep an open mind. Although I'm nervous about the whole situation, he's probably thinking the same thing.

If people can't accept the fact that you've changed, that's not your fault. You are who you are, life experiences have gotten you to where you are today, if you think that you've changed for the better, then good. 

The only person who's able to say that they're shocked with who you are today is you. Even then, that's not necessarily a bad thing.


One More Girl, no longer online